Sometimes I get so depressed. So deeply depressed that I have difficulties seeing how the darkness will ever shadder. I would look upon everything that I do and everything I’ve ever done and think that non of it is of any worth. I look upon those around me and think that it’s strange they still around, considering how little I’ve got to contribute to their lives. I give the ones who I lost on the way a larger space in my mind and I think to myself that they’ve got the picture right about me. Those who still with me will eventually notice that and dissapear when they understand. And if something positive would happen, I think that I actually don’t deserve it. That it will certainly be taken away from me again.
In my worst moments I think that God doesn’t approve of what I’m doing, that I’m not good enough for him. And I think that he listens to everyone elses prayers but not mine. Nowadays I don’t allow myself to stay very long into this deep valleys, because I know that this only is sticky thoughts, an automatic recorder, that is trigged by certain situations. The negative thoughts doesn’t fill any function besides there’re also trigging my feelings of failure, sadness and not being worth anything. Not very contructive, in other words.
There are negative thoughts that I really have use for and that would be those who makes me want to improve. Contructiv critizism that can be used as change energy. But those are not the ones I want to tell you about right now.
One thing that struck me with this automatic recorder is that it’s often twist the positive. An example of that is that I have a strong principle and conviction that we all are uniqe and got unique abilities that we’re created to use. My negative twist would be that I’m unique in that aspect that the things that I do are not good enough. That I have not improved my skills good enough and that I’m not at any use for God at all. Everybody else are, of course, just not me.
Another thing that I’m really convinced about is that everybody is needed. It really doesn’t matter what you do or in what way you’re doing it, your gifts and talents is needed. If you don’t take on the challenge the world will miss your gift!
In my negative moments my automatic recorder says that my gift for sure is unique and that my talents really is needed, but if I should stop using it, no one would notice anyway. They would go on with their lives without me even make a singel mark in their minds. In the big whole picture it wouldn’t matter, since no one cares anyway.
A third thing is that I’m convinced that when you seek for Gods kingdom first, you will also get everything you need. If I seek for Gods kingdom, I don’t need to worry about everything else. I do what I feel is what God wants me to do and he promised to provide all the practical things needed in order to fulfill your purpose.
In my negative moments I see that all the practical matters seems to sort out, but I’m uncertain if this is my will our if it’s actually what God wants. I get a bad concious about worrying about what I’m going to eat, even if I have experienced enough times that God will provide. I feel I need to ask for forgiveness because God hasn’t materialized everything he promised for me all at once.
But then there is the worst thing and that is when I think that I really have streched myself to far. That what I think that God wants me to do, actually are to big for me to handle. Who do I think I am? What is it that I imagine about myself anyway? I have a lot of reasons why I’m not perfect, so can it really be that God wants me to do it?
And there are som many others actually confirm my thoughts by asking me exactly that question and others like: How can you believe in things you can’t see? How can you start walking in a quest and be sure that it’s actually God that has chosen you to do that?
But then again I read this verse in the Bible:
”So, my dear brothers and sisters, stand strong. Don’t let anything change you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord. You know that your work in the Lord is never wasted.” 1 Corinthians 15:58.
It reminds me that the thing about walking in faith isn’t about me fighting with my thoughts or feelings. I know that’s a fight I won’t win. Because the more I try to force a thought to go away, the more this actual thought will become alive. I works this way that the things you give your focus in your life, is also what will be occupying your mind.
Instead it’s about being firm and still. You need good habits to rely on.
What I think about is this:
To pray. A prayer is a conversation with God. I can tell him all that’s bothering me right now and leave it all to God. I can lift all that I’m grateful for and happy about, that reminds me of my progress. I’m also able to pray for my way forward, and it gives me focus that I need every day.
To read the Bible. When I read the Bible I also give God opportunity to talk tom e and give me more knowledge about who he is and how I can take action. It’s a source of wisdom. To read about other thoughts when they’ve read the Bible also give me deeper thoughts and reflection. And to also write my reflections is an important part of the process.
To surround myself with other believers. It’s not about isolating myself from the rest of the world, but to become stronger in faith by seeing and hearing how others managed to walk in faith before me. To share when it’s hard, but also when faith have victory is motivating not to give up.
All this are habits that’s healthy go further in faith and sometimes actually dare doing things I never thought I would do. One day when I was stuck in my sticky thoughts, I got a greating from a Facebook-friend. She wrote: It’s always the darkest before dawning.
Exactly this is what I want to share with you today. Even if you feel like it’s dark and hard right now and you’re struggling with the question whether your right or not, if you’re doing the right thing and if God actually see you, you can be certain that when everything seems like the darkest, the dawning will soon come.
And don’t give up!
Give everything you’ve got, it will not be in vain!
Have a blessed week!
Bible To All